“”I don’t know how to express this very well,” she said, “but when you work up a sweat dancing, it’s as if all the bad things, all the bad thoughts, pour out of you. You can almost see them evaporating. You know the big mirrors they have in dance studios? When I’d watch myself in the mirror after mastering a new pas, a new step, I’d feel, well, purified. To see that I was able to some extent to become one with something so beautiful, with this graceful image I had in my head, was…Well, I can’t explain it. But it helped me forget my troubles, and I think that’s how I managed to overcome it all.””
‘Audition’ by Ryo Murakami
“It was as if he’d abandoned himself to his despair, but in fact, Aoyama knew, he was fervently searching for something. Something that, once found, would keep him from having to feel the pain of his wound. To just entrust oneself to time was to exterminate oneself, to temporarily accept a kind of death. Children aren’t capable of that sort of detachment. For Shige it wasn’t a question of whether he could find what he was searching for or not: the very act of searching served to create a distance from the wound. Obviously Aoyama’s own quest to bring the legendary pipe organist to Japan had served a similar purpose. If Ryoko’s eath hadn’t occurred, he would never have undertaken the project. And if it weren’t for that project, the person he was now would never have come into existence.”
‘Audition’ by Ryu Murakami
above: yodit, elaha and i went for a walk today. the air was hot and humid and it made me feel sticky, but i didn’t mind. every time a gust of wind blew past us we embraced it with open arms.
the month of may has been filled with work and fireworks and beach days - and drinks full to the brim.
between all of that and the casual hangouts with friends i haven’t been getting much sleep lately, and when i do, even that has an agenda.
i’ve been experimenting with sleep paralysis lately. i heard somewhere that it can act as a gateway to lucid dreaming, and that’s one art i’m eager to master. it would be so wonderful to control the limitless world of your dreams.
i’ve been able to pull myself into a state of semi-sleep paralysis - in which my arms and legs get heavy and it feels as though there’s a weight on my chest and my breathing becomes something i can’t quite control - but my mind remains so awake that i can’t reach the part where i actually dream.
i’ll try again tonight.
today i took a nap and woke up feeling weirdly lonely. or maybe not so much lonely as disconnected from the world. time was doing strange things and i felt like i’d been pulled out of context. the only way i knew how to cure this strange feeling was to go for a walk and immerse myself in the world of the big city night.
thankfully, elaha and yodit were just as eager to take a stroll.
that’s one of the things i like most about having them as friends.
they’re always up for anything.
hmm.
would i describe myself as pathetic?
maybe sometimes.
but mostly no, i don’t think.
so everyone can just hop off now.
kind of growing up.
earlier i posted a scathing letter to a good friend who’s effectively bailed on me twice in the past couple of weeks.
i’ve taken it down because i realize that’s not the person i want to be.
maybe there’s a good explanation, maybe there’s not.
either way, grudges don’t get anyone anywhere they want to be.
i guess this must be what growing up is like.
let it all go. take it in stride. be happy.
but at the same time, be careful not to let people walk all over you.
she’ll know i feel wronged one way or another.
went to the beach to watch the annual fireworks with elaha, yodit and our best friend alex fairlie.
there were so many bugs. i would look out into the distance - past the sand and to the water - and all the bugs made it look like a static-ridden scene playing on an ancient tv.
i think a few bugs might’ve flown into my ear, and elaha couldn’t take it so she started to freak out and hide herself in my sweater.
but still, we enjoyed the fireworks. they’re so pretty. they make it look like God is painting the sky and all his colours drip like falling stardust.
a saturday night trip - 2.
above: me and yodit unable to bear the strain of everything we were seeing.
OPEN YOUR EYES.
go to a grocery store to find a few lemons. you need to intensify the experience. eat one on the way home, turning around every so often to catch a glimpse of weak fireworks a family must being pouring into the night sky early.
describe them as pussy - lame, unimpressive displays of mock grandeur.
the only thing big about them is the sound - the CRACKLE and the BOOM - and after a while, you don’t even bother to turn around.
get back to the house. start to feel the effects. does everyone else feel them too, or is it just you? do they see what you see when you stare at the window sill - at the little decorative tableau someone’s carefully set up there?
go down with camille to visit the children, deliver them chicken wings. lay down on the bed and wonder if they notice how dilated your pupils are and how you can’t stop laughing, try as you might.
hush hush, keep quiet - it’s supposed to be a secret.
crawl up the stairs because you’ve forgotten how to walk.
back in the kitchen there are patterns on the ceiling - squares of light that appear and disappear and appear again. camille is on the floor. elaha is staring into space. yodit is drawing strange and eerie faces. everyone is shimmering with a wonderful little haze.
pick up a couple of knives - scare them a little bit because you know you can.
go into the sun room.
there are spirits in the table and they’re trying to get out. everyone can see them. so many screaming faces - so much yearning and so much despair. the varnish on the table feels so good to the skin. take off your shirt. lie down.
there are too many mirrors in this room - so many faces staring back at you.
wonder about your own vulnerability. think about how the sensation of touch feels so good and you’d take it from anyone.
scare yourself.
play the piano. the music is so much richer - there is so much more cadence in the melodies you string together. the keys all blur together but you know what you’re doing. every note you hit reverberates through the room and comes back at you full force - a rush of emotion. everything is so much more powerful now.
a sudden burst of energy. run around the house. do it again.
escape.
the trees are so inviting. lie down. stare at the night sky.
go back inside.
so much more has happened, but it’s starting to wear off.
make some chicken wings.
eat them.
go to sleep.
wake up and go to work.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
annie and i went to the beach today.
i brought along my bottle of chardonnay and a couple of wine glasses and we poured ourselves a couple of drinks after settling down on our towels.
bram showed up later and then annie’s coworkers dropped by.
i drank most of the chardonnay and left the beach with a lethargic buzz.
i went swimming at nellie’s later that night.
bram came over and i put leaves in his hair and he got mad. we also played a not so revealing game of never have i ever. and then he made me listen to one direction because he’s cool like that.
i came home and looked in the mirror and found the most ridiculous sunburn i’ve probably ever had. it wasn’t ridiculous in the sense that it was extreme - it just looks really silly.
i have work at eight in the morning tomorrow but i’ve been up all night reading about toronto’s trashiest socialites on thedirty.com
this website is both fascinating and disgusting all at once.
